Alien archaeologists study humans

Thank you for inviting me to telepathize at the Galactic Alien Archaeology Congress.

As you all know, I’ve had the pleasure of exploring countless planets and alien civilizations throughout the universe.

However, I’ve devoted much of my career to Earth’s idiosyncratic dominant species.

For those unfamiliar with Earth, h-u-m-a-n-s, humans, are a primitive species living there who form societies that function, until they don’t…

Telekinetic laughter.

I know many of you are wondering what possible use the study of humans is to us. I want to give some examples of why they absorb so much of my attention.

Firstly, humans are obsessed with putting fabrics on their physical forms. They are constantly trying to outdo each other with the latest fabric styles.

Holograms of humans in baggy pants, tight pants, swimsuits, etc, appear.

Another fascinating human trait is to create their own pantheon of gods and goddesses called “celebrities.” These are famous humans who are worshipped for little more than being famous.

Holograms of people dolled up with lights flashing as they walk up the red carpet appears.

Humans also enjoy consuming energy sources known as “fast foods” that are both unhealthy and unappetizing. A colleague of mine is currently studying why they willingly subject their bodies to such abuse.

Muttered mental conversation.

They share a peculiar obsession with adorning themselves with shiny metals and jewels that serve absolutely no functional purpose.

A few guffaws.

Despite having rudimentary technological capabilities, humans still rely on primitive forms of transportation, such as wheeled vehicles that use fossil fuels for energy.

Telekinetic expressions of interest.

Our team has noticed a recent increase in electric vehicles. We find this fascinating because the concept of electric propulsion has been known to humans for over a century. Why the wait?

A murmur rises.

Humans also engage in an elaborate ritual of “small talk” when meeting each other. This involves exchanging meaningless pleasantries and questions about insignificant topics before engaging in the real conversation.

A few laughs in the gathered consciousnesses.

Despite them displaying some intelligence, humans are prone to irrational and destructive behavior, often fighting over trivial issues such as resources and ideologies.

So, dear colleagues, you see, while humans have absolutely nothing to offer us, they are starblazingly interesting.

Telepathic applause.